


touch

by catieTK



Category: Danganronpa, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Child Abuse, Complicated Relationships, Depression, Emotional Manipulation, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Non-Graphic Violence, Other, Pre-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Self-Hatred, her mom sucks too I’m sorry, kinda..im basically projecting but shhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-16 13:01:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29825337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catieTK/pseuds/catieTK
Summary: And in that moment, The girl decides that sheʼll take human touch and attention over anything else in the world, even if she must scrape herself raw for it.—Mikan tries to find love in any way she can get it.
Kudos: 2





	touch

**Author's Note:**

> Baby’s first post, I’m highly debating on making this a series or not, like just studying mikan and whatnot. If I do please note it’ll end in NanaMiki cuz I’m a sucker for that ship and it needs more content dammit!
> 
> Until then, I hope you enjoy <3

Everything burned. It hurt so, so much. she wanted to scream, explode, but she wouldn’t. She couldn’t. The sound of flesh burning and the smell of ash finally went away, so she rolls the dice and looked up.

“All you ever do is cause more problems, huh? I fucking regret having you. Go be useful and get me a drink,” her mother spat, an acidic look on her face as she lit up another cigarette. Her stepdad (well, her moms current toy) turned up the tv louder, because God forbid the sounds of his partner abusing her child interrupts his TV time. 

No, that canʼt stand.

Mikan wobbled onto her feet and darted away. The tears pooled and scalded her cheeks as they ran down, and yet she faintly noticed them, sheʼs used to this. No kid should ever learn to just live with this torture, this hell.

No kid should learn to hold their breath in their own home because the air is polluted by cigarettes and their mothers very presence. No kid should have to be the one to patch themselves up when their attempts at death goes awry. Yet Mikan does, thatʼs just what she deserves right?

The fridge creaked open and she couldnʼt help but retch at the smell of decaying food from the tiny box they called a fridge.

‘ _It smells awful in hereʼ_

_ ‘ **Reminds you of yourself huh?’** _

_‘Iʼm sorryʼ_

Her hand cooled as she grabbed the bottle. Walking back, she stared into the swirling liquids in the glass, wondering why her mother would bother with a drink that only seemed to irritate her further.

Why is it when mom has a glass or two of the red stuff, she has to fear for her life.

Why do adults do things that hurt them more than anything? Would she be happy if she just drank some? Maybe share it with mommy, show that sheʼs an adult now and she just wants to see her mother happy...

Why canʼt she make mommy happy?

Maybe if she was a bottle of this stuff, her mother would smile when she saw her daughter

**_‘You know you donʼt deserve thatʼ_ **

Walking back into the living den, mikan glanced around the room to confirm that yup, mom is gone. At the sound of a flicker, she turned to see her... stepdad? Dad?... she turned to see her dad slumped out on the outdoor patio. The door barely cracked open, almost inviting her to take the gamble and see if maybe heʼll be nice today.

With a breath mikan didnʼt remember holding, she trembled forward. Pulling the door open, she stepped out.

“Hey there kiddo,” he says with a slight smile.

Thank god, heʼs in a good mood.

“Hey dad,” she stammered, hoisting herself onto the bench along side him.

Heʼs warm. Itʼs nice. Sheʼs shivered slightly from the breeze, but sheʼll take the affection over the weather any day of the week. She asked where mom went.

“Honestly, I couldnʼt tell you sweetie. Your fucking mother-“

_‘Please donʼt talk about her like thatʼ_

“-started bitching at me about the rent again. I told her that Iʼm working on it as fast as I can, and itʼd go a lot faster if she fucking left me alone,” the night sky fogs from the smoke that left his lips.

Eyes trail along as they follow the smoke cloud and she finds herself staring at the moon. She ponders; Are aliens on the moon? Could they help her dad with rent? Make them both mom and dad happy? Can they come down and find her mom, because the beer is slowly warming and sheʼs nervous.

Could they come down and save her?

**_‘Why would they save a smelly failure like you?ʼ_ **

“Mikan, you know I love you, right?” her dad words shook her out of her trance, arms pulling in as if she was stretching out to the nice aliens who have left her behind in their compact, fancy ship. She wondered if thereʼs enough room in there for her.

“What?”

“You know I love you right? That I care about you a lot?”

“Oh um, of course I know... why?” she turned to him, seeing him staring back. Skirt crunching in fear from white knuckled hands, she tried to look him in the eyes.

“Because I worry about you a lot. I know I donʼt show that very much but I mean it. I love you more than anything in the world, Iʼd do anything for ya.”

Somewhere, she thought she heard a dog barking.

“Iʼve never told anyone this, so you gotta promise you keep quiet about it. As a kid I got beat to hell and back, kinda like you.”

‘ _He says that way too casuallyʼ_

_‘ **Thatʼs because you actually deserve to get hurt. Besides, you know he had it so much worse than you, what you go through is patheticʼ**_

_‘You’re right. Iʼm sorryʼ_

She slid closer and hugged him, chasing whatever warmth he could offer. It wasnʼt much.

“I know how much it hurts kiddo, my folks still give me nightmares. That stuff really changes you, for better or worse,” her dad got up, grabbing the bottle beside her. Owlish eyes followed his steps, her hands were honey as she tangled her hair. Just the thought of a person going through what she felt on a day to day basis? Someone who understood just a fraction of her broken self? A man whoʼd let her cry into his arms since he knew what it was like? God she drank it up.

A sharp thud rang out into the night, awaking the girl from her dully buzzing mind.

Her visioned finally sharpened in time to watch her dad practically inhale the bottle whole. Was beer really that good? Sheʼd had pop (soda? She wasnʼt sure) before and if anything, the bubbles made it painful to drink, causing her to nearly heave on the spot. Maybe it tasted really good, like chocolate? She wanted to try some. The sound of glass shattering scared her, and her dad cleared his throat.

“Iʼm terrified of your fucking mother, truth be told. If she beats her kid that bad, what would she be willing to do to some bastard sheʼs fucking around with? So.. Iʼm sorry. I wish i knew how to help you, but Iʼm too much of a coward. Just know Iʼm here for you, alright?”he was quiet as he spoke, like her mother  would appear and hear them.

He spun on his heel, coming back to the cooling bench and wrapping an arm around her. It was silent for a while. She liked it.

Her chest warmed and she could feel her eyes water. She felt awful for ever feeling those brief episodes of resentment against her dad. This man was a broken cup and yet he still offered to hold her. Her heart beat slowly as she hugged him tighter.

“I love you too,” she whispered. Her dad put out his cigarette with a gruff chuckle.

A sizzle called out into the night sky, the smell of ash dying on a whisper.

“You donʼt fucking mean that,” he said as sweet as a lemon.

Mikan froze.

The dog was barking so much louder now, though it was faint as the girlʼs heart was now beating in her head and deafening her.

She began sputtering out apologies and questions, completely malfunctioning. Her dad now facing her, with one leg touching her thigh while the other pointed to the moon. she wondered if the aliens were still awake.

“But you know, if you did me a favour then you could prove your love,” his hand crept onto her shoulder.

She knows the dog is gone now and yet the barking is louder than ever, leaving her chest in a painful rattle.

She asked what the favour was. He said it was simple; give him a kiss on the cheek.

So she did.

He asked for one on his nose.

She leaned up.

He asked for a kiss on his head, and so she reached.

In an instant , he had both her body and lips in a vice grip. His legs completely pinning her and body leaning down to tell her that no, you wonʼt escape this. She was so nervous now, bordering on terrified. this didnʼt feel nice, not liked it seemed in the few movies sheʼd seen. the vapours of liquor burning her nose, the callouses of his hands chaffing her arms, the fact that it was sweater weather and yet she was uncomfortably warm now. It was all awful.

She was lost. Wasnʼt this something you did with your boyfriend or girlfriend? Your wife or husband? Yet here her... yet here was a man twice her age touching her like this, her mother and his lover a seemingly distant memory.

She felt gross, like bugs she couldnʼt get rid of wriggling in her skin and gnawing at her. But... this was love, right? He said this was all to prove her love, prove she was worth attention and affection, show that she wasnʼt the burden she felt she was.

As awful as it all was, no matter how much she wanted to scratch herself till she reached bone, no matter how she felt she was falling into a void... it was touch. Touch that didnʼt come in go in an instant, that didnʼt leave her skin stinging and red, touch that didnʼt end with a disgusted look from the adults of her life. She adored it.

This was finally something that made her think she wasnʼt a disgusting, horrible mistake of a girl, rather something that someone could stand to at least kiss. It was confusing, it made her nauseous, it made her giddy, it made her terrified and tired.

It was love, and she naively believed she wanted more

‘ ** _Rotten girlʼ_**

After a breath, she went back to him to kiss him again, because if he started talking the dam would really burst, and she wasnʼt ready for that . She just wanted love. His lips were chapped and he tasted what she imagined dirty socks would taste like. Teeth bit at her and she thought she was bleeding, the taste of pennies flooding her mouth. She tried checking out, tried becoming a bystander in her own body, but her tongue was an inferno. There was no escape.

The man pulled back. Quickly, she gasped and stole as much air as she could, not ready for whatever was to come next. His hands travelled her body, fingers sliding across her sides in a sadistic dance that left her scared and lost.

“Mikan, you remember when you told me you thought you liked girls?” His hands now softly pet her face, twirling brassy purple hair between his fingers. Her head was spinning with emotional whiplash. The girl looked at him now, thoroughly puzzled. Her heart still was still trying to break out of her rib cage, and yet she continued to push.

“Yeah?”

“You wanna see if thatʼs true?”

Right then and there, her heart burst through her ribs, only to fall into her stomach. A pit. She could see herself from an outsiders perspective now, sat in the lap of a man with dirty long hair and a look of something wicked in his eyes. Mikan knew this is a bad situation, that she needed to run and scream for help, to go as far as she could and not look back.

But she couldnʼt.

She realized she couldnʼt. This man had poured his soul out to her and here she was crying when he wanted something in return. He loved her and he just wanted her to know that, he wanted to help her. What daughter would she be if she left now?

Besides, she thinks he would never really, truly hurt her. He can be good sometimes. He gives her ice cream, he takes her to lakes with mom, she goes to the movies with him, he carries her around when sheʼd pass out in random places around the house.Heʼs not going to hurt her. Soon enough, she found herself unable to stand the thought of him leaving for some reason, and she thinks whatever reason it is will kill her.

Mikan looked up at the man. The man who let her get beat and yet was sometimes kind. The man who was as broken as everything around her. The man who, in, however many words, just offered to ruin her life for something she thought was love.

She whispered out a ‘yesʼ.... it’s just skin anyways right?

‘ _**Your awful skinʼ** _

_‘Yeah.. my awful skin..ʼ_

And in that moment, The girl decides that sheʼll take human touch and attention over anything else in the world, even if she must scrape herself raw for it.

He yanked her by the wrist and she looked to the moon one last time. She hoped that the aliens were home and ok, that the dog was sleeping soundly. As they travelled the dark house, the girl kept thinking about anything loud enough to muffle his footsteps.

She hoped her mom was ok, hoped that she wouldnʼt be too angry her beer was now gone.

-

Mikan went to bed that night with a damp skirt and tender, bleeding eyes

-

After... however many hours had passed, her dad had slumped out of the master bedroom. Before leaving He scolded her and told her to keep another secret. She was to keep what had happened hush, lest she tell someone and ruin everyoneʼs (though surprisingly not his) life. Of course, she promised. Mikan pulled her shirt closer to her and eventually got up and shuffled back to her room.

Passing the den, the girl found her mother passed out, deep in slumber on the couch. In yet another idiotic decision, she came closer. On the table she sees her motherʼs phone, and on screen is a text from her dad that heʼll be gone for the day. Both anger and relief flash through her. Next to the phone, a sweating, chocolate brown bottle sat. Her mom must have opened it, to only then take a few sips before falling asleep. She checked on her mother one more time.

In just a wink of the light, Mikan swiped the bottle and gulped it down, going so fast as if she was just told this was the last time sheʼll ever drink. She thinks that well frankly, it tastes fucking awful, but maybe itʼll make her happy. Make her feel something other than hollowed out. She laid on the floor by the couch.

Her motherʼs hand hanging over the edge of the cushion, yet another siren song of the promise of touch that pulled her in, so she reached out. The girl holds her hand. Itʼs soft, she thought, and she likes it. And in a few bleary minutes, she fell asleep as her tears dampened her long hair.

She dreamed of moon people who have cute dogs with two heads, living as a peaceful colony of hundreds. She also dreamed that these creatures had no tongues or hands.

She  liked it here.

**Author's Note:**

> Any criticism is very much appreciated as I want to be a better write but can’t be assed to like, take a class for it (hey that rhymed)


End file.
